The Clams vs. Paul McCartney

I know this isn't entirely fair, as Sir Paul isn't (by his own admission) much of a chef, but here it goes anyway.

At some point - presumably when the internet was still more of a novelty - Paul decided to apply his characteristically cheesy persona to the art of internet cooking instruction. Here's his resulting instructional video: mashed potatoes with Paul.

So there you have it. The McCartney method for mashed potatoes.

Paul's potatoes in summary:
-potatoes
-salted water
-non-hydrogenated margarine
-organic sea salt
-semi-skimmed milk
-chopped onions
-fresh parsley (as a garnish, if you're feeling wild)

No offense to Paul, but these are some boring-ass mashers. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have their charm - I like standard mashed potatoes as much as the next guy. But geez, the guy's a vegetarian, you'd think he'd know how to zazz the potatoes up a little bit. (Hats-off to Murderface for the word "zazz.")

In response to Paul's recipe I thought I'd put forward my own mashed potato dish. Here it is:

Mashed potatoes, Clam style

-6 to 10 white potatoes
-1 to 3 sweet potatoes (potato ratio can vary as much as you want, really)
-unsalted butter
-milk (whole is the best, obviously)
-1 large bunch collard greens, or other leafy green such as chard or kale
-about 8 cloves garlic
-extra virgin olive oil
-salt
-fresh-ground black pepper
-ground chipotle, cayenne, or smoked paprika (choose one, or skip)

Scrub all potatoes thoroughly but do not peel. Set a large pot of salted water on high heat, chop the potatoes roughly and toss them in the water. Boil for about ten minutes, or until easily pierced with a fork.

While the potatoes are boiling, peel and mince the garlic. Set a saute pan on medium heat, add a few tablespoons of butter. When the butter has melted add the minced garlic. Saute until garlic is fragrant, but not brown. Remove pan from heat.

Wash and chop the collard greens, removing the rib from each leaf. This may take a while, so it might be advisable to do this ahead of time. There are a few options with the chopped greens. Your goal is to cook them briefly in order to soften them up - but in my opinion you really don't want to overcook them. I suppose you could toss them in with the potatoes for just a minute or so, before you take the potatoes off the heat. But I typically use an extra dutch oven or other large pot and heat a bit of olive oil or butter in it. I then add the greens, cover the pot, and let them cook down just a bit, until they're wilted and reduced in size.

Once the potatoes are done, take them off the heat, drain, and return the potatoes to the pot. Toss some butter in with the hot potatoes. I'd recommend using a decent amount - at least half a stick. Mash the potatoes as the butter melts. I like a relatively coarse mash, but do it to your own liking. Add the garlic/butter mixture and the cooked greens. Give the whole thing a bit of a mix to get an idea of the overall consistency, then add milk until you get the consistency you want. Season with salt, pepper, and a spicy pepper, if you're into it.

This recipe is very flexible, you can really experiment all over the place, if you feel like it. For instance, when you're at the milk-adding stage, you can easily add little or no milk, and use something else to smooth the mixture out instead - such as yogurt, buttermilk, olive oil, or some combination of these with the milk. Yogurt and buttermilk are particularly nice if you want to get a slight tart taste.

And that's it. I'll let you be the judge, but I think I can safely say that The Clams totally win this one. In your face McCartney!

*disclaimer* The Clams still really love the Beatles, but are still of the opinion that Paul tends to be a total chach.